Frustration, why does it happen?

To understand the frustration we first have to know that it is inevitable. The only response that allows us to manage it is to be able to tolerate it, to a greater or lesser extent, and to be able to balance the expectations and the effort that we invest in what we do.

If the expectations are very high, but there is little work, responsibility, or commitment, there will undoubtedly be frustration. Idealizing the consequences is one of the most frequent factors that lead to recurring frustration. There is too much expectation placed on the future, which we cannot control. So managing frustration has a lot to do with accepting what is beyond our control.

Being boys and girls we gradually learn that reality does not obey our demands. This is an interplay that must be made possible by the mother or the main caregiver.

If the mother is always anticipating the child's demands, there is no room for frustration or request. Frustration is learned to tolerate gradually to the extent that whoever is in charge of care can put a distance before it, Disappointment in Winnicott's terms, so that the baby accepts that reality does not fit his needs, helping to gradually abandon omnipotence.

This is a complex topic and one that I will only mention in broad strokes. It is important to emphasize that this disappointment must be gradual and in line with the growth of the baby and the increase in his level of tolerance.

According to Winnicott, disappointment is expected to occur but only after the Illusion, during which whoever is in charge of care must be available to the infant, essentially in the first moments of life, when dependence is absolute.

If a child grows up receiving everything they ask for, sometimes even before asking for it, this makes it very difficult to develop their tolerance for frustration. And it will probably involve difficulties later.

From parenting, it is necessary to be able to contain and accompany in moments of frustration, helping to understand that this is something that will eventually happen and providing tools to cope with it.

In adult life, frustration inevitably arises. Sometimes we hope that this or that thing will happen, and it doesn't turn out as planned: We trust those who disappoint us, we invest time and money in ventures that don't prosper, we project a life together with a partner and it ends in separation. Life itself constantly presents us with frustrations. However, it is important to be able to accept that we do not handle the consequences and even that these changes are often necessary and are what allow us to redirect ourselves to another place and rethink what we really want.

Frustrations, then, occur precisely because reality and the world do not invariably and necessarily respond to our demands. There will be times when what is expected will happen and others when it will not, and it is part of living to be able to go through both instances.

Tolerating frustration is extremely important in order to grow, develop, or accept the end of one stage and the beginning of another. It is what allows us to accept and live the processes, the step by step of each project, instead of magically waiting for the result. 

Sometimes to avoid frustration we avoid betting on what we want, taking risks, undertaking or building projects. We cannot permanently avoid frustration. Learning to live with it will help its impacts to be less devastating, and instead of destroying us, it will provide us with useful information to try next time.

 

Thank You