How to communicate in the Relationship?

Relationship problems are generally closely related to aspects of communication. A couple implies the union of two people who bring different baggage and internal world. Since childhood, each one forms different ways of interpreting the world, depending on their upbringing and parental models. Many of these aspects are part of the personal unconscious.

In addition, we bring unconscious information, both transgenerational and collective. Information that is activated according to the situations and that leads us to project on the couple certain hidden or rejected issues in oneself. With this in-between, we understand that communication is not easy, because factors that we do not handle intervene and that often lead to the situation: explosions of anger, competition, difficulty understanding each other, among many others.

Understanding, then, that the internal world of each member of the couple is essential to understand their participation in the matter, we can also deduce that the more contact and work there is in relation to himself, with his unconscious aspects above all, the greater the possibility that communication is freed from these automatisms. It does not mean that they will stop manifesting but that the person has greater recognition of what is happening to him and, therefore, greater choice.

Let's take the example of a person who does not know that in his partner he is repeating the way his father acted with his mother. This comes automatically every time something happens that upsets him. He has no recognition of the reason for this situation, that she is totally naturalized. As much as your partner tries to communicate what is happening there, it will not be possible to disarm this if there is no adequate awareness work. And, as we said before, there are factors that will still be present, but at least the person will be able to record it and maybe choose differently next time.

Communication in the couple, beyond the importance of working on the own history of each of the members, must be done with respect for the subjectivity of the other person. There are no absolute answers, and the focus has to be on what a certain event makes each person feel. If the approach is located in the truth-lie dualism, it will be difficult to find a way out, because each one reads reality from a different prism.

Promoting good communication implies being able to connect with emotions, accept one's own vulnerability and speak based on one's own experience, getting away from judgments and accusations that only reinforce the defensive part of the other. 

You cannot change the other person, they will change, in the best of cases, what they are willing and interested in changing. Communication should not aim to convince anyone but to convey how we feel. Assuming that we know what the other thinks, or pretending that they understand what we want without saying so, are issues that complicate the matter even more. 

If we want or need something we have to be able to ask for it, transmit it, even before it becomes a problem.

Communication requires an attitude of joint commitment, flight and avoidance do not solve the problem, they postpone it. It takes empathy, understanding of what the other feels, and respect for the times and spaces of each one. It is an artisan work that each couple must develop throughout their journey.

 

Thank You

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